Inside out

Some poems and reflections on life


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Awakening

Asleep

My life is a dream
I fell asleep many years ago
The world just faded into gray
I don’t remember how or when

It just slowly went out of focus
Walking became harder
I laid down and slept

I wait for one kiss
A kiss to wake me out of this non-existence
A kiss to draw my blood to my face
A kiss to make my fingers tingle and my lips tremble

Just one kiss … that’s all

A kiss

Dry, cracked lips press onto my mouth
Stale breath fills my nose
I am pushed down as my mouth is invaded
By a fat, sour tongue

How dare you come into my room uninvited
Invading my sanctuary
Waking me with your clumsy, fumbling hands

A scream dies in mythroat
I am too weak to fight back

I am awake.

to be continued …

 


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Going home

If I had it all over again, what would I do?

I stand in front on the house where I played,
My older, future self looking in
How could I ever have imagined my life to be,
way back then?

I remember a time that I cannot return to.

Lying on the floor listening to records
Riding my bike across to the next town
Mucking around in Dad’s workshop.

I struggle to remember what once was.

The main street is now paved with brick
Chewing gum covered asphalt is gone
So too the seat where we ate hot chips after school.

Some things still remain, frozen in time.

The paint on the old church peels away at exactly the same spots
The town hall remains unchanged but no longer shows movies
The school, the park, the pool are just like when I left

And yet it has all changed

New shops, cafes on the high street
Houses fill in the paddocks I once crossed to school
The pub, where fathers got drunk on a Friday night,
is now a boutique hotel.

If I had it all over again, what would I do?
Would anything really be different?


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The gate

The silent sentinel
Entrance abandoned to
a forgotten destination

Rust binds metal to post
barricaded against the onset
of rampant growth

Who was it that once lived here?
running excitedly to check the mail
collecting fresh morning milk
cream clotting on the top
trudging home weary from the day
glad to see the sight of home

Now coprosma and hebe crowd the path
Burying it under a litter of leaves
Fantails swoop in the cooling evening
People drive by unseeing

No one will come this way again
But still you stand
the silent sentinel

 


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To escape your love

Sand shifts under my toes
Waves crash over each other
Racing to knock me down
Tide sucks me under

I race for the mountain top
to escape the wrath of your love
climbing higher than ever
to find myself
at the bottom of the abyss

Fog swirls envelop me
in quicksand sinking down
in my own shit up to my navel
where I gaze wondering
if I am to be eaten alive

Sinking down in ooze
I fall freely through time and space
landing in soft cushions of dust
scattering into clouds
shooting up my nose …

I sneeze … Tihei

I live … Mauri ora.

 


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Winter

Winter clouds creep over
Grey mist surrounds cold
Trees stand naked
Leaving behind their clothes
Waiting for the first snowfall
To be veiled in bridal white

Central heat replaces central fire
Close the door, keep out the cold
Huddle in close company

Night comes too soon.


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Cotton wool break down

Wriggling, squirming, waiting to escape
to see the outside once more
locked in a life that traps
and dulls the senses
blunts the vision
dims the touch
darkens the taste
like cotton-wool bandages
prevents me from seeing the
rough ugly truth of the world
wherein lies beauty.

I take it on myself to stand
to make a stand on behalf of myself
to shake off my own oppression
of self-limiting thoughts
and beliefs
To reach out beyond my limits of time and space
to be what I had never once imagined.

Don’t limit me to the nonfunctional existence
Locked up in the nicety of life without true feeling
Hiding the depths of my anger
with words
of
nothingness.

We shout and rave and raise our voices
Insults fly like knives cutting
across the arms and face
But stop when first blood is drawn
A hug and handshake
Cleaned and purged – renewed

One random moment in time
Stretches to eternity as every
detail is examined
again and again

Wondering “why?”

 

(I found this one in my note book left untouched after some time. I think I may have meant it to be two separate poems. But I think they flow well together).


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Holy Shit

“Take this”, she says,
“My table is spread, richly laden”

“Take this”, she says,
“Eat fully, drink deeply.”

“Hear, but do not understand
“Look, but do not see
“If you try to explain, it will be gone
“If you try to see, it will vanish.”

An angel has stopped my mouth
While another has torn open my heart
My feet sink deep into the compost of reality
I stand on holy ground
Holy Shit!